Get Your Homeland Insecurity Kit Today.
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YES YOU DO NEED A HOMELAND INSECURITY KIT! As GW plans more attacks with the Bin Laden family against Americans that will send his popularity skyrocketing, you need to be prepared. And you get the satisfaction of knowing your money is going to support the 2004 election campaign. So buy today. Our President-Approved Store Is Now Offering The Following Must-Have Accessories at $1 million each. |
Anonymity Hoods |
- Don't want to be identified? Want to conceal your identity? Thanks to over-production,
we have made a special purchase of these hoods. Originally manufactured for professional
use in Abu Ghraib (pronounced gra-eeib for all you retard media types), Guantanamo Bay,
Afghanistan and everywhere else innocent civilians are just dying to be interrogated.
Paint it white, cut some eyeholes and you have cheap alternative to the KKK hoods being sold
in the Bush stores. Or just cut some eyeholes and remain anonymous in society. And just think
of the wonderful possibilities for Halloween. Electrocution threat wires included. Don't be the
last in your 'hood to get one. Sold in packs of 100. Great gift idea. Please note: Permission for sexual abuse, attack canine genital mutilation and other such behavior, must be secured from the White House. Item # HoodSpecialPrice 
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Forged Documents |
- Everyone needs forged documents whether they need to wage a bogus war,
cover their lying butt or or gain illegal entry into a country to conduct a terrorist
attack. With our Bush approved, Tony Blair Forged Document Kit you will be free to do
whatever you need. It worked for Bush and his Bin Laden friends and it can work for YOU. Item # KillDeath666
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Rope 'n' Repel |
- If terrorists attack the building you are in don't be left unprepared.
Our Rope and Repel kits offer the utmost in flexibility. Simply specify how many
floors up you are on the building you work in and we will supply you with a custom-length
rope and hook kit to repel yourself to the ground. Kit also includes 3 window breakers
and a manual on how you can use other items in your office (a chair, a fellow employees
skull or even a femur bone) to breach those tough office building windows and make your
escape. Order in lenghts of 1 - 150 stories. Item # UISScrewed666
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Duct Tape and Plastic |
- The Presidential Advisory Package supplies you with the latest in
style and fashion. Every kit includes a dozen different colors of duct tape and shades of
plastic to color coordinate your emergency with your wardrobe. You won't be caught with a tape
and plastic wardrobe that does not match your shoes or dress ever again. Imagine the respect you
will command with your style and elegance at the next crisis. Item # DTNP4All
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Food 'n' MREs |
- You have to have nourishment. As the leading supplier of MREs (Meals Ready to Eat) to
the U.S. Military we have the best and the freshest around. Our Homeland Insecurity Kit customers
are always treated to the best. How do we do it? Simple -- all MREs that are about to expire
are sold to the U.S. Defense Dept. to be deployed in places like Iraq, assuring that our in-stock
inventory is the freshest you can buy. Item # FRESHMRES4U
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Humvee Kitchen on Wheels |
And for the gourmet in all of us we have the new MRE add-on package. We know it's likely that any
crisis could span a holiday or even multiple holidays. With that in mind we have created the ULTIMATE.
We've included our newly designed "Stove on a Humvee" which converts the engine on the vehicle of your
choice into a kitchen-on-wheels. Combined with our new hardware, imagine throwing together our MRE packets
onto the manifold of your Humvee motor and preparing an entire Thanksgiving, Christmas or Easter feast.
Your guests will be so amazed by your ingenuity they won't even notice it's 120 degrees
out and you are in an Anthrax or radioactive fallout cloud. This item is also the first to win the new
highly acclaimed Bush, "Don't prevent it, prepare for it, live with it and die" award. |
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WMD Possession Denial Kit |
- These days you can't be too careful when it comes to bogus Government
Intelligence reports claiming you have WMD. You are assumed guilty and you only have a few months
before the bombing starts. The problem with Saddam's report was that it was only 30,000 pages.
Our kit will deliver a semi truck containing over 400,000,000 pages of proof that you have never
had WMD. But the real success story is our known formula that all government plans break down and
fall apart after "bureaucracimus maximus" has been reached. The key is to flood them with so much
info that their feeble little brains literally explode and after six months, they can't even remember
who you are or why they were after you. Guaranteed to work or your money back (providing we can find you). BUT WAIT!!! If you order now we will include "The Clincher." This little addition will work wonders if the WMD Denial Kit fails. It's the "My last name is Bin Laden name change kit." It's a proven fact that if your last name is "Bin Laden," Presidential orders preclude the FBI, CIA or any other law enforcement agency from coming anywhere near you (except for friendly chats to make sure that your plans to kill Americans are in line with meeting Bush popularity ratings.) Item WMDPDK400000
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Fake American detector kit |
- This kit features special lamps, dyes and inks that you can use
to tell with certainty if an Arab has used the patented "Michael Jackson Caucasianing Kit" to look
like a northern European. Order now and we will also include for FREE the Arabonics Book.
This book is a godsend (or a Bushsend as some might say) and will teach anyone the 4,537 simple steps
in determining the true accent of people. The next time an Arab terrorist joins your flight school
and says he is a Canadian-speaking French or a German-speaking German, you and your staff will know
that he is lying. Plus if you act now, we will also include our famous "Florida Flight School Guide-
Yes You Dumb S**ts Too Can Learn That Arabic IS NOT the
Official Language of All Foreign Countries in the World" book. |
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1001 Tips That Will Save Your Butt |
- This book is a goldmine of information. Did you know that a box of Kleenex contains over 125
gas masks guaranteed to protect you from every chemical agent in Saddam's arsenal? Just one of
many lifesaving tips you will learn. |
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Bush Butt-Saver |
- What do you do when you need to lie to the U.N. and you need an enema? After all in any
time of crisis you still need both. YOU NEED OUR PATENTED Colon Pow'l. Comes with high-tech plunger
and funnel system that delivers 4000 P.S.I. and is guaranteed to spread crap faster than the U.N.
security council can duck.
Your whole world will seem so peaceful and justified afterwards. It's the Godfather of Colonics
and is guaranteed to shrink those Rice polyps, Rummy Rectums and fix your Bremer Brain constipations.
It's the ONLY proven method to blow it out of your butt and cure yourself of PCRD (Presidential Cranial Rectal Disorder)
on the market today.
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