Jokes, Humor and Trivia

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Nick the DragonSlayer

Once upon a time, and far, far away, lived a beautiful
 Queen with voluptuous breasts.

 Nick the Dragon Slayer knew that the penalty for his desire
 would be death should he try to touch them. One day Nick
 revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the
 Physician, who was the King's chief doctor.

 Horatio the Physician, exclaimed that he could arrange for
 Nick the Dragon Slayer to more than just satisfy his
 desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.

 Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the
 scheme.

 The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching
 powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's
 brassiere while she bathed.

 Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew
 intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to
 address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the
 King and Queen that only special saliva, if applied for
 four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests
 had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer
 would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

 The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio
 the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the
 antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into
 his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked
 passionately on the Queen's v oluptuous and magnificent
 breasts.

 The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick
 the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and hailed as a hero.

 Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found
 Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold
 coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon
 Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that
 Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the
 King, with a laugh just told him to get lost.

 The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose
 of the same itching powder into the King's underwear.
 The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer.

 The moral of the story:

 Pay your bills!!!!!!


Ed is missing!

Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary, and his wife was
really angry.  She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift
in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds AND IT
BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work.  When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on
her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the
house.  She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Ed has been missing since Friday.  Please pray for him.




Grandma's Boyfriend
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys 
in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how 
come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and 
watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies 
make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the 
knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the 
backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there 
stood Grandma's minister.   The minister said, "Hello son, is your Grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom banging' her boyfriend."


  A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a
Preacher baptizing people in the river.  The drunk walks into the water and
subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is
almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you
ready to find Jesus?"

  "Yes I am" replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in
the river.  He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found
Jesus?"

  The drunk replies, "No, I haven't."  The preacher, shocked at the answer,
dunks him into the water again, b ut for a bit longer this time.  He pulls
him out of the water and asks again, "Have you  found Jesus, my brother?"

  The drunk again answers, "No, I have not found Jesus."
  By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the
water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.

  When the drunk begins kic king his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him
up.  The preacher asks the drunk again, "For the love of God, have you found
Jesus?"

  The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,

  "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
  
 
 

  A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. 
  His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was 
  assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify 
  about in court. When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing 
  $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather 
  tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is." The 
  attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.
    
  The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."The attorney 
  tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." The 
  Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, 
  "Ask him again!" The attorney signs to the bookkeeper:

  "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!" The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! 
  The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's 
  backyard in Queens!" The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?" 
  The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."




NINE MONTHS

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded
up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few
hours, the got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a
nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the
door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge
house all to myself, but I'm recently "widowed," she
explained. "I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay
in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the
barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the
barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather
had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a
great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter
from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out,
but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that
attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He
dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you
remember that good-looking widow from the farm we
stayed at on our ski holiday up North?" "Yes, I do.

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up
to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out.
"I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her
your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm
afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)
Caught you smiling - Keep it up




JIM and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were 
walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to
save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately 
ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be
mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad
news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally
respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have 
concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Jim, the 
patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right 
after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I 
go home?"



Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago.
Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into
the world. Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her
daughter immediately replied, "Mom! I have someone for you to meet." Well, it
was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks,
he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont. Their first night
there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black
lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit. Looking her over, he asked, "Why
the black panties?" She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is
yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning." He knew he was not
getting lucky that night. The following night was the same--she stood there
wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was
wearing a black condom. She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black
condom?" He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."




             Irish Stories
      
  Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a 
  parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I 
  will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey".
  Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
  Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."


  Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets,
  "Do you want to go to heaven?"
  The man said, "I do Father."
  The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
  Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
  "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
  Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to   heaven?
  O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father.
  The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go
  to heaven?"
  O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."


  O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he'd been stealing the wood
   and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent.
   Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood from the lumber yard all those
   years," he told the priest.
   "I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?"
   O'Toole said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."


   Paddy was in New York He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing.
   The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay pedestrians".
   Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.
   He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
   After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about
   time ye let the Catholics across?"


   Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died.
   He quickly phoned his best friend Finney.
   "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
   "Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"


   An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.
   The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
   He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
   "Just water," says the priest.
   The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
   The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"


   Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with 
   the little woman."
   Oh yeah?" said Charlie "And how did this one end?"
   "When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees.
   "Really," said Charles, "now that's a switch! What did she say?"
   She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken-shit!"

Captured on the 110 Freeway. Don't worry. I wasn't moving.

Great reason to buy a new car.

Joke titled: "I need Your Opinion"
Does this Bikini make my butt look big?

This joke should be titled, "Guys, don't show this joke to your sweetie if they are PMSing". Unless you are a happily wed hippo couple, this joke could get you killed. 

    LIFE BEFORE THE COMPUTER

  Memory was something you lost with age
  An application was for employment
  A program was a TV show
  A cursor used profanity
  A window was something you could see through
  A keyboard was a piano
  A web was a spider's home
  A virus was the flu
  A CD was a bank account
  A logon was what you added to the fire
  A key was something you opened a door with (you didn't hit it)
  Enter was what you did afterwards
  A hard drive was bad traffic
  A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
  Spam was a meat byproduct
  Shift meant you didn't drive an automatic
  Escape meant a vacation
  Scuzzy (how SCSI is pronounced) was undesirable
  UNIX were committed to religion and to prove it, they disfigured or dismembered their genitalia
  
  And if you had a 3-1/2 inch floppy ...
  ... you just hoped nobody ever found out
   
  


A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. 
When they made it to the bedroom, they saw a big brass gong next to the bed.
"What's a big brass gong doing in your bedroom?"  one of the guests asked.
 
 "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.
 
 "A talking clock Seriously?" asked his astonished friend. 
 
 "Yup," replied the drunk.
 
 "How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.
 
 "Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave it an ear-shattering pound, and 
 stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment. suddenly, someone 
 on the other side of the wall screamed, "You ass hole, it's three o'clock in the morning!"
  

 
"Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart  
people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean  
it."  --Mark Twain   


Another variation of an old one

A cowboy was herding his cattle in a remote pasture when suddenly a
brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban
sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy:

"If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd,
will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looked at the man, (obviously a yuppie), then at his
peacefully grazing herd and calmly answered, "Sure. Why not?"

The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his Dell notebook computer,
connected it to his AT&T cell phone, surfed to a NASA page on the
Internet, where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an
exact fix on his location which he then fed! to another NASA satellite
that scanned the area and returned an ultra-high-resolution photo. The
young man then opened the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exported
it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds,
he received an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed
and the data stored.
He then accessed an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel
spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploaded all of this
data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes received a
response. Finally, he printed out a full-color, 150-page report on his
hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turned to the
cowboy and said, "You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," said the
cowboy.

He watched the young man select one of the animals and looked on amused
as the young man stuffed it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy asked the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly
what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thought about it for a second and then said, "Okay, why
not?"

"You're a consultant." said the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," replied the yuppie, "but how did y! ou guess
that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even
though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already
knew, to a question I never asked; and you don't know anything about my
business..

..Now give me back my dog."


Dear Abby,

    My husband has a long record of money problems. He runs up huge credit card bills. 
At the end of the month, if I try to pay them off, he shouts at me, saying I am stealing 
his money. He says pay the minimum and let our kids worry about the rest, but already 
we can hardly keep up with the interest.

    Also he has been so arrogant and abusive toward our neighbors that most of them no
longer speak to us. The few that do are an odd bunch, to whom he has been giving a
lot of expensive gifts, running up our bills even more.

    Also, he has gotten religious in a big way, although I don't quite understand it. One week
he hangs out with Catholics and the next with people who say the Pope is the Anti-Christ.
And now he has been going to the gym an awful lot and is into wearing uniforms and
cowboy outfits, and I hate to think what that means.

    Finally, the last straw. He's demanding that before anyone can be in the same room 
with him, they must sign a loyalty oath. It's just so horribly creepy! Can you help?
    
Signed: Lost in DC

    Dear Lost:

    Stop whining, Laura. You can divorce the jerk any time you want. 
The rest of us are stuck with him for four more years!

Abby 



Two Blonde Carpenters Becky and Sally Ann were doing some carpenter work on a house.

Becky who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch,
pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

Sally Ann, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you
throwing those nails away?"

Becky explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them
have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away."

Sally Ann got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! Those nails aren't
defective! They're for the other side of the house!."




 Q -- What is the best thing about dating a homeless woman?
 A -- You can drop her off anywhere.
 
 Q -- What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
 A -- Outlaws are wanted.
 
 Q -- What should a woman say to a man she's just had sex with?
 A -- Whatever she wants. He's sleeping.
 
 Q -- Where does virgin wool come from?
 A -- Ugly sheep.
 
 Q -- How do you spot the blind man at a nudist colony?
 A -- It isn't hard.
 
 Q -- How can you make your wife mad while making love?
 A -- Call her from your cell phone.
 
 Q -- What does the bride of a German man get that's long and hard on her wedding night?
 A -- His last name.
 
 Q -- What's the down side to a threesome?
 A -- You'll likely disappoint two women instead of just one.
 
 Q -- How do you know you're really ugly?
 A -- Dogs close their eyes when they're humping your
 leg.
 
 Q -- Why were hurricanes initially named after women?
 A -- Because they arrive wet and wild then leave with your house and car.



1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.

3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the
country and who are very good at crossword puzzles.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country
but don't really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like
their statistics shown in pie charts.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the
country - if they could find the time - and if they didn't have to leave
Southern California to do it.

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the
country and did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.

7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's
running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat
on the train.

8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the
country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while
intoxicated.

9. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country
but need the baseball scores.

10. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there
is a country... or that anyone is running it.

11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the
grocery store. 



An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male
buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a
tall mug of coffee.

The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the
buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of animal to splatter
everywhere, then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand
pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter
and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."

The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from
yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me training for upper management
position: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others
to clean up, disappear for rest of day."


   Computer acronyms
 * WWW = World Wide Wait 
 * ISDN = It Still Does Nothing 
 * SCSI = System Can't See It 
 * DOS = Defective Operating System 
 * IBM = I Blame Microsoft 
 * PENTIUM = Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics 
 * BASIC = Bill's Attempt to Sieze Industry Control 
 * APPLE = Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity 
 * CD-ROM = Consumer Device - Rendered Obsolete Monthly 
 * MIPS = Meaningless Indicator of Processor Speed 
 * WINDOWS = Will Install Needless Data On Whole System 
 * MACINTOSH = Most Applications Crash - If Not The Operating System Hangs 
 * MICROSOFT = Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teens 
 * PCMCIA = People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Miami. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. "But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, and we all have, or will, eat it. Would anyone care to guess what food causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, a small 75-year-old man in the front row, raised his hand and said, "Vedding Cake?"

Latest warning from the US
Hot off the press:

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney general John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult,", Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like "x" and "y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns", but we have determined they belong* to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

"As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to every triangle," Ashcroft declared.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes.

"I am gratified that our government has given us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence," the President said, adding: "Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point, and draw the line."

President Bush warned, "These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor-in random facts of vertex."

Attorney General Ashcroft said, "As our Great Leader would say, read my ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertainty of: though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens around their necks.

A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the husband replied,"Inlaws." 

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road? .....as told by many different people..... 

MOSES: And God came down from the heavens, and he said unto the Chicken,
"Thou shalt cross the road." And the Chicken crossed the road, and there
was much rejoicing. 

AGENT MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more
chickens have to cross the road before you believe it? 

RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken
did NOT cross the road. 

JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? And, why doesn't anyone ever
think to ask, "What the heck was this CHICKEN doing walking around
all over the place anyway?" 

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the
road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. 

BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will
not only cross roads, but it will lay eggs, file your important documents
AND balance your checkbook. Unfortunately, when it divides 3 by 2 it gets
1.4999999999. 

OLIVER STONE: The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road?"
But is rather "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we
overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?" 

DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected
in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to 
cross roads.

LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The
chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down. 

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free
to cross roads without having their motives called into question. 

GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.
Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good
enough for us.

MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why?
The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved
beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference. 

BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature. 

RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road-it transcended it. 

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain. 

COLONEL HARLAN SANDERS: I missed one?

Peggy comes home and finds her husband sitting on the couch.

"So what have you been doing all day?" she asks.

"Finished up the yardwork early so I've just been trying to kill flies around the house."

"How many flies have you killed so far?"

"Only five, three males and two females."

Somewhat perplexed Peg asks, "How can tell which ones are males and which are females?"

"Well 3 were on the beer can and 2 were on the phone."

Joe comes home to find his wife sulking and depressed so he asks her, "What is wrong honey?"

"Oh, I just looked in the the mirror and I feel so fat and ugly. I could really use a compliment or some words of encouragement right now."

So Joe responds, "Honey, your eyesight is extraordinary."

While walking down the street one day a head of state is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

Her soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," says the lady.

"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the head of state. "I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and she finds herself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all her friends and other politicians who had worked with her. Everyone is very happy and attired in evening dresses or suits. They run to greet her, hug her, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are having such a good time that, before she realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives her a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for her.

"Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before she realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."

She reflects for a minute, then the head of state answers: "Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."

So Saint Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and she is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. She sees all her friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to her and lays his arm on her neck.

"I don't understand," stammers the head of state. Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable."

The Devil looks at her, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. But today it's too late to recall your vote!"

Four Doctors recently met at the International Medical Symposium...

An Italian doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, transplant it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor said "That's nothing! In Germany,we can take a lung out of one person, transplant it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks."

A Russian doctor said, "In my country, medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, transplant it in another and have them BOTH looking for work in two weeks."

An American doctor, not to be outdone, said, "Hah! We've taken two assholes out of Texas, transplanted them to the White House, and in no time, half the country is looking for work!"

Mention the words "oil spill" and the much publicized "Exxon Valdez" event comes to mind. The media covered this almost as many times as the estimated 10,000,000 gallons of crude that entered the waters. Yet the largest oil spill in world history barely received any mention at all. This one, caused by a mishap of the U.S. Navy in 1991 during the Persian Gulf War was covered up. Apparently, under some act of supreme intelligence, an estimated 240,000,000 gallons was dumped into the waters of the Persian Gulf because no one noticed (for days) that while oil was being pumped onboard, it was dumping out of the other side of the ship. Some valves had been left open and no one was noticing all the shiny colors as the slick spread for miles. "Dang it anyway Captain, we keep unloading tanker after tanker and we just can't get the guage to move off of EMPTY." Most of us have seen at one time or another the effect of a few drops of oil accidentally spilled into the sea or on a lake or on water. It is pretty obvious. I'll leave it up to you to guess why this received so little media attention and who this joke was really on. Perhaps the media is too ignorant to know the difference between 10 million and 240 million (which ranks them among pretty low on the scale of intelligence. Perhaps 10 million is the theoretical maximum number that the brain cells of those who run the media, can handle.) Or perhaps the woes of dozens of countries that had to spend years cleaning up this mess, the immense loss of fish and wildlife and the myriad of other problems just wasn't in the media's best interest to report on. Or perhaps word was passed from the chief executive office to the billionaire media owners that this was a story the Americans didn't need to know and every journalist who picked up on it was told, "You do this story, and your fired!"

Two new additions to the periodic table of chemical elements:

  • Element Name: WOMAN
  • Symbol: WO
  • Atomic Weight: (don't even go there)
  • Physical properties: Generally round in form.
  • Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time.
  • Melts whenever treated properly.
  • Very violent reaction when mishandled.
  • Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable.
  • Possesses strong affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones.
  • Volatile when left unattended.
  • Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food.
  • Turns slightly green when placed next to a shinier specimen.
  • Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth.
  • Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
  • Element Name: MAN
  • Symbol: XY
  • Atomic Weight: (180+/-50)
  • Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily.
  • Fairly dense and sometimes flaky.
  • Nearly impossible to find a pure sample.
  • Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.
  • Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get.
  • Also tends to form strong bonds with itself.
  • Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time.
  • Neutralized or incendiary when saturated with alcohol.
  • Usage: None known.
  • Possibly good methane source. Good specimens are able to produce large quantities on command.
  • Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

A couple was golfing one day on a Very Very Exclusive golf course lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee, the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball, don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. All right, let's go up there, apologize and see how much it's going to cost us."

They walk up, knock on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the place and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke the window?"

"Uh, yeah, sorry about that," the husband replied.
"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle.
You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes - I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself," the genie said.
"OK," the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem - it's the least I can do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said looking at the wife.
"I want a house in every country of the world," she said.
"Consider it done," the genie said.
"And what's your wish, genie?" the husband said.
"Well, since I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years, my wish is to sleep with your wife."
The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I wouldn't mind."
The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.
After it was all over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife and said, "How old is your husband anyway?"
"35" she said.
"You're kidding?! And he still believes in genies?"

There was a Rabbi whose wife was expecting a baby. The Rabbi went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that when the Rabbi's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After five or six children, this started to get expensive. The congregation decided to hold a meeting again to discuss the Rabbi's pay situation. You can imagine there was much yelling and bickering.

Finally, the Rabbi got up and spoke to the crowd -"Having children is an act of God!"

In the back of the room, a little old man with a full beard stood up and in his frail voice said... "Point of information - snow and rain are also 'acts of God', but when we get too much, we wear rubbers!"

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him hat she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed. The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, and then he.......
...married the one with the biggest boobs.

A heartwarming Story of Working the System

An old man lived alone in Minnesota. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in Prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament "Dear Son, I am feeling pretty bad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I hate to miss doing the garden, because your mother always loved planting time. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me, if you weren't in prison." Love, Dad

Shortly, the old man received this telegram, "For HEAVEN'S SAKE, Dad, don't dig up the garden! That's where I buried the GUNS!"

At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen FBI agents and local police officers showed up. They dug and they tilled and they tilled and they dug the entire day, and finally left, empty-handed.

Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what to do next. His son's reply was, "Go ahead and plant your potatoes, Dad. It's the best I could do for you at this time."

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be sayin' a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."

Muldoon said, "Thank-you Father, I'll go right away. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother in Heaven ! Why didn`t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card.
The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it? Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it. Driver: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying creep told you I was speeding, too.

What People Read

  1. The Wall Street Journal is read by people who run the country.
  2. The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.
  3. The Washington Post is read by people who think they should run the country.
  4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand the Washington Post. They do, however, like their smog statistics shown in pie charts.
  5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn't have to leave L.A.to do it.
  6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country, and they did a far superior job of it, thank you veddy much.
  7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country, and don't really care, as long as they can get a seat on the train.
  8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country either, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
  9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped, minority, feminist, atheist dwarfs, who also happen to be illegal aliens from any country or galaxy as long as they are democrats.
  10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.
  11. The Wall Street Journal is also read by people losing their shirts in the stock market while their losses filter through a myriad of pockets before buying the people who run the coutry.

God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's and Krispy Creme. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said "Yea." And woman said, "And another one with sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt that woman might keep the figure that man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane, and combined them. And woman went from size 2 to size 6.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing and garlic toast on the side. And man and woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook then." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then brought running shoes so that his children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And man and woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and it's 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And man replied, "Yea! and super size 'em." And Satan said "It is good." And man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And Satan created HMOs.

NEWSPAPER HEADLINES IN THE YEAR 2035

  • Former President Bush still remains confident that WMD will be found in Iraq.
  • Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, California.
  • White minorities still trying to have English recognized as the California's third language.
  • Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops & livestock.
  • Baby conceived naturally.... Scientists stumped.
  • Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million.
  • Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria, and Lebanon.)
  • Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
  • Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
  • George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
  • Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesday only.
  • 35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
  • Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
  • Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
  • Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.
  • Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.
  • Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.
  • New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.
  • Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.
  • Capital Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman.
  • IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75%.

INVESTING 101 for Today

That's it for now. More will be added as I clean up my emails.

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